Tag: Feelings

We needed… space

Date #341 – Sunday, July 6, 2014

A: Brian and I were having internal dialogues with ourselves that completely clashed once the words came out. I drew this self-portrait on an app I found because I was looking for a distraction and wanted to seem busy. We don’t have other photos because it was one of those days. Do you take photos on those days?

I ended up leaving B and biking home crying. When I got home I paced a lot and cleaned my apartment until I decided to go to TURF anyway, even if I was going alone (Good idea because Jeff Tweedy is incredible and bad idea because Wilco songs make me cry a lot). I wanted to make things right with B but I’m learning that space is good, sometimes. In the beginning I would press and we would argue and nothing ever got solved until we had some space. Well we had some space. And it got solved. I am awful at remember the small details, but I knew I missed him very much while listening to Jeff Tweedy. I even sent him a song whose lyrics I cried to while standing in the crowd and I held my phone so tightly waiting for a response, hoping it was positive and loving. I felt like I was 15. I know we’re only on date #341, but I would be utterly heartbroken without B. It was an emotional day. 

B: I was so happy when I found out that A ended up going to see Wilco. We had one of those arguments where a bunch of stuff builds up and you can’t really say what you’re fighting about. After things and I was sitting on my bed feeling sad I thought, “I caused this and A shouldn’t miss Wilco because of that.” She didn’t and that was good.

One of the things I’ve learned is to focus on how you’re feeling and what you need. I realized in this moment that I needed my own space. I remember feeling like I was being pulled in a million different directions and completely overwhelmed. I’m not sure why but I know in those moments I have a tendency to take it out on the people closest to me and blame them for my feelings. NEVER blame others for your feelings. It will get you no where.

So A and I took some space and I started to accept that that was what we needed and I was totally afraid to admit that. I’m afraid sometimes that I will loose A and I’m afraid to be alone and so I hold on to things so tightly that they can sometimes reek havoc. 

What I learned is that A and I need to accept that sometimes we need time apart and that is OK. The big question is how we will get this “alone time” when we live together….

Andrea’s secret cry

Date #334 – Monday, June 30, 2014

A: B just snuck this date in the list, didn’t he. I guess I’m forced to talk about. (My OCD-tendency won’t let me delete it due to the long list of dates we have in the queue.)

Well, this is what happens with me: I struggle with the fear of having an alcohol dependency. Alcohol dependency is rampant in my family, and it’s always been a fear of mine. As an incredibly social person, I sometimes find it hard to say no. It was Pride weekend and I soaked in the sun with sangria and craft beer which is, honestly, something that rarely happens these days! 

We all know how we feel after weekends of drinking. Monday is Monday for a reason. When I had a glass of wine at B’s parent’s place, I had another, then another. And then I felt guilty. I don’t have a drinking problem, just the fear that I could have one. I’ve been told that I am in complete control of this.. that I don’t need to have that fear because I can always stop it if I wanted to.. but that’s not how addictions work. I am happy to have the support and courage to talk to my friends and to know that they’re there for me in times like this. B was really great about it all. Feelings of guilt and feelings of fear are all normal and what helps me the most in times of internal peril – should I have another drink, should I not – are listing the things I know to be true. Try it, if you ever find yourself stuck in a hard place that you can’t see to pull yourself out of for even a second to ask for help.

B: I could tell something was bothering A but I didn’t know what. I’ve realize that other people’s moods really effect me and that it is hard or impossible to ignore that. When I asked A she initially said it was nothing. I had a deep feeling this wasn’t the case and I also knew that “nothing” sometimes means “something but I don’t want to talk/deal with it.”

Actually, it started the night before and when A still seemed disturbed the next day I really thought something was up. I told her that if something was going on it is OK to say so and that she doesn’t need to talk about it. I also said if she did want to talk I would listen. I think it is important to let others know you are supporting them.

Eventually A said to me what she said above. I honestly did not know what to say and so I just tried to ask her questions and keep her opening up. It was hard and she pulled back many times, which was hard for me. When the person you love is so upset and troubled and all you want to do is day one thing that pulls the out of the funk, but you can’t, it can be upsetting.

We went to the lake with my whole family and played on the swings and spinning contraptions at the playground. My little sister and I love spinning and getting dizzy and making videos of the fun. I was filming A spinning when she demanded to be stopped. My little Sister helped and A yelled at me for not helping. She then said she wanted to be alone. My family asked what happened and I said that she just felt sick from dizziness. They said I should go help her but I wanted to give A space. I also was upset that she yelled at me and I wanted to stay away so I wouldn’t get angry at her.

On the walk back to the car I did get upset and called her selfish. I immediately regretted saying this. In the car ride home I showed her that I deleted the video. When we got back to my parents she waited back and talked a bit more. I apologized and told her it was hard but that I am trying to support her. Eventually she started feeling better and we hugged and it was good.

I’m happy A confides in me and I’m realizing more and more that you have to be patient with feelings like that. Concern and worry creeps up and all you can do is keep moving forward. I have to believe it will eventually pass with enough forward movement. So far that has proven true.

Meltdown

Date #269 – Saturday April 26, 2014

B: After our #discoverON roadtrip to explore cafés and breweries I fell in to a complete rut. I don’t know what happened, but I know it was bad. I dropped off A at her place and then got on my bike and rode home. The whole ride I struggled with the desire to stop peddling and let my bike crash into whatever object it found. I didn’t tell A this.

When I got home I just laid in my bed, not moving for hours. Eventually A came over because she is awesome. I couldn’t talk to her. I pretended to be asleep. She kissed me a bit and tried to get me to talk, but I couldn’t. Even when I had to get up to go to the bathroom, my body didn’t want to move.

A part of me kept thinking, “Why can’t A say something to make all these bad feelings go away,” but then I thought, “only you can do that, and she is here, which means she wants to help, you just have to let her.”

It was a few weeks before I said to A, “I’m really sad and I’ve been feeling this way for a few weeks.” It took me a lot to say that and I know it took a lot for her to listen. She is great though and help me and we talked about things. Talking really helps.

A: I had no idea B felt this way. When B is nervous or feeling depressed he disappears and I have go searching. I’m really glad I went over to his place. All I want is for him to take what he needs from these experiences and to feel better. He’s right. It is up to him to pull himself out of it but what I’ll always try to do is support that transition. Being and/or feeling depressed is a difficult emotion is go through and recover from and it’s hard for people who aren’t feeling the same to understand that sometimes. I want to be the best partner and friend I can be to anyone in this head space, especially B. He means a lot to me.

A Good Cry

Date #249 – Sunday April 6, 2014

A: Crying in public for the win! On our lunch break, B and I separated because of emotion and I spent some time acting like a juvenile poet writing sporadic sentences in a notebook to try and figure out how I was feeling. Conclusion: I am feeling weak. That’s all.

After the conference finished, B and I were deciding what to do and I said I wanted to be alone. Then I asked him to come over. I clarified that I didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t want to talk. (Do you ever feel that way?) I basically pulled him in a million different directions like a directionless lost girl and he got really frustrated with me. So then I cried. In public. Again. Great!

I wasn’t even as extremely embarrassed as I probably should have been. (I don’t care about where I am when I feel things.) B and I talked about the pressures of change and movement, new jobs, plans, the pressures of money… It’s stressful! I feel a lot of pressure having to completely support myself and I get jealous of people who have solid families that support them or can support them if they run into money troubles. It’s all relative, I know, but it’s also a lot of pressure. I’m not an easy person to be accountable to. But B is extremely supportive and kind and understanding and sometimes I can’t believe I’ve met someone like him. Pinch me so I can wake up already!! (just kidding please don’t!!!)

B: Looking back on this day I find it impressive that we were able to function as well as we did. In the beginning we were both feeling intense feelings. Throughout the day they were expressed, but never vocalized. 

Somewhere after TSC I got frustrated because I thought A wasn’t supporting or acknowledging me, and then I realized that she was dealing with something bigger and more important. I let go of my frustrations because hers took precedence in this moment. Relationships are about give and take, and sometimes you have to give when you’d rather take. 

Supporting A actually calmed me down and put things in to perspective.

Big Feelings and Toronto Screenwriting Conference Day 2

Date #248 – Sunday April 6, 2014

B: Another day of the Toronto Screenwriting Conference meant another day of waking up early. We got up late and didn’t have a lot of time to get ready. I gave up the shower to make coffee and do the dishes. A got herself showered and changed and somewhere in-between that and leaving, we got into a tiff. A left for the conference on foot while I finished the dishes in the apartment.

I felt taken for granted, especially when I packed the coffees in to-go cups and rode my bike to the conference, later realizing I spilled half of it inside my bag. We sort of made-up and went for lunch, but I felt big feelings again and A and I went our separate ways. I took a bunch of time to think of my feelings and why I was reacting so heavily to everything.

I was in the process of a 30-Day Liberated Body Challenge, and I realized that my body was letting go of a lot of tension, and this was probably a factor. Either way, I focused on letting it all go and making sure we ended the conference on a positive note.

A: B and I have very different morning routines and they clash sometimes. It’s a process, learning how to live with someone else, so driven and active. It’s always awkward being someone public and feeling that B and I haven’t resolved whatever issue is going on. It always makes me think and consider that I don’t really know what happens before I meet up with someone. We all live so separately, yet are so dependent on the activities that bring us together.

In any case, I am always happy to talk about our feelings with B, even though I’m not the best at it. I think, “Why can’t we just forget about it?” But B thinks, “Why can’t we just talk about it?” So yes. It’s clear, at least to me, what we’re working on.