Tag: Emotions

We needed… space

Date #341 – Sunday, July 6, 2014

A: Brian and I were having internal dialogues with ourselves that completely clashed once the words came out. I drew this self-portrait on an app I found because I was looking for a distraction and wanted to seem busy. We don’t have other photos because it was one of those days. Do you take photos on those days?

I ended up leaving B and biking home crying. When I got home I paced a lot and cleaned my apartment until I decided to go to TURF anyway, even if I was going alone (Good idea because Jeff Tweedy is incredible and bad idea because Wilco songs make me cry a lot). I wanted to make things right with B but I’m learning that space is good, sometimes. In the beginning I would press and we would argue and nothing ever got solved until we had some space. Well we had some space. And it got solved. I am awful at remember the small details, but I knew I missed him very much while listening to Jeff Tweedy. I even sent him a song whose lyrics I cried to while standing in the crowd and I held my phone so tightly waiting for a response, hoping it was positive and loving. I felt like I was 15. I know we’re only on date #341, but I would be utterly heartbroken without B. It was an emotional day. 

B: I was so happy when I found out that A ended up going to see Wilco. We had one of those arguments where a bunch of stuff builds up and you can’t really say what you’re fighting about. After things and I was sitting on my bed feeling sad I thought, “I caused this and A shouldn’t miss Wilco because of that.” She didn’t and that was good.

One of the things I’ve learned is to focus on how you’re feeling and what you need. I realized in this moment that I needed my own space. I remember feeling like I was being pulled in a million different directions and completely overwhelmed. I’m not sure why but I know in those moments I have a tendency to take it out on the people closest to me and blame them for my feelings. NEVER blame others for your feelings. It will get you no where.

So A and I took some space and I started to accept that that was what we needed and I was totally afraid to admit that. I’m afraid sometimes that I will loose A and I’m afraid to be alone and so I hold on to things so tightly that they can sometimes reek havoc. 

What I learned is that A and I need to accept that sometimes we need time apart and that is OK. The big question is how we will get this “alone time” when we live together….

Meltdown

Date #269 – Saturday April 26, 2014

B: After our #discoverON roadtrip to explore cafés and breweries I fell in to a complete rut. I don’t know what happened, but I know it was bad. I dropped off A at her place and then got on my bike and rode home. The whole ride I struggled with the desire to stop peddling and let my bike crash into whatever object it found. I didn’t tell A this.

When I got home I just laid in my bed, not moving for hours. Eventually A came over because she is awesome. I couldn’t talk to her. I pretended to be asleep. She kissed me a bit and tried to get me to talk, but I couldn’t. Even when I had to get up to go to the bathroom, my body didn’t want to move.

A part of me kept thinking, “Why can’t A say something to make all these bad feelings go away,” but then I thought, “only you can do that, and she is here, which means she wants to help, you just have to let her.”

It was a few weeks before I said to A, “I’m really sad and I’ve been feeling this way for a few weeks.” It took me a lot to say that and I know it took a lot for her to listen. She is great though and help me and we talked about things. Talking really helps.

A: I had no idea B felt this way. When B is nervous or feeling depressed he disappears and I have go searching. I’m really glad I went over to his place. All I want is for him to take what he needs from these experiences and to feel better. He’s right. It is up to him to pull himself out of it but what I’ll always try to do is support that transition. Being and/or feeling depressed is a difficult emotion is go through and recover from and it’s hard for people who aren’t feeling the same to understand that sometimes. I want to be the best partner and friend I can be to anyone in this head space, especially B. He means a lot to me.

A Saves the Day!

Date #235 – Wed Mar 26, 2014

A: I looked like a mutant model in reality television outtakes. 

When B wasn’t answering my texts or sounding excited about ANYTHING I knew he needed a million hugs. When he sent me that text, it was in reply to my, “On my way” text and I thought, “Well, he didn’t tell me NOT to come over so….”

It was good that I did. He thanked me and it was really sweet and I immediately felt less horrible for being such a shitty partner the night before. (Actually I didn’t but it was good to see B smile.) We basically stayed up all night watching stuff online and I knew I would be knocked out in the AM but I didn’t care because YOLO/B was happy.

B: I was feeling pretty crappy this night and did not want to meet with A and her cousin to go swimming. Thoughts of the night before were subcontinuously running through my mind and I did not want to relive any of those moments. I sent a text saying, “I don’t want to talk and I don’t feel like doing anything.”

Then, while sitting on the bed working on my notebook, A walked into the room!! I was so happy to see her! She said, “I want to respect your feelings and I wanted to see you and I thought, ‘I can come over and we don’t have to talk and we don’t have to do anything.”

We bought a salad and ate it while watching Nashville. Everything felt amazing and it was exactly what I needed.

Brenda Thorne comes for a visit

Date #201 – Feb 16, 2014

A: My mother came for the day so we could drive back to London together on Family day. She is adorable and loves having me so close to home (I haven’t lived this close since 2005) and has learned to navigate the highway and the “big city” for impromptu visits like this. Her excitements include going to IKEA and Costco and ensure I have more than enough stuff for my tiny apartment. I find her energy levels heartwarming when she visits and it makes me happy that she’s happy to see me, and now B. They get along surprisingly well, which I, of course, adore.

B was a tired slug all day, though, and slept on the bed while my mom and I enjoyed happy hour. Te he he… I went to a metal show with a bud. That is something I don’t think I’ll ever do with B, hah.

B: I remember vaguely hearing something about grabbing a “muscle” while this photo was taken, but that’s all I remember. I was soooo tired.

Shopping at IKEA and Costco was fun because it was with A and her Mom, but also emotionally draining. Looking around I kept thinking about mass-consumption and how modern-agriculture and processed foods are destroying our environment. I did get some sweet glass bottles for my Kombucha, but that’s it. I was so critical and negative…bad head-space.

When we got back to A’s apartment I couldn’t help but pass out on the couch for hours. When A left to go to a show with one of her friends I left too and watched House of Cards, ordered a giant pizza (a contradiction to my Costco criticisms and an acceptance that no one is perfect) and took some photos for a photo essay and it felt good. The pizza maker above, Mario, was so sweet and kind and talked to me for awhile. I felt artistically charged on my walk home.

Poutine + Talk about emotions – Date # 178 – Jan 24, 2014

B: I was working late again at CBC prepping for the weekend. A called to say she would make poutine (cheese curds, gravy, and fries) and I asked if they could be sweet potato fries.

We had the poutine together and it was fantastic. After, I remembered this article I read talking about how asking your partner specific questions about their feelings is better than vague questions. So, noticing how A didn’t seem very present this week, I asked her about that. I was nervous saying anything about this because I didn’t want it to sound like an accusation. 

Luckily it opened a big discussion about how stressful the Broken Pencil Deathmatch has been on A and how sharing one’s artistic work and inviting criticism is a really vulnerable place to be. I really enjoyed how much A opened up and how it was an opportunity for me to be supportive. 

A: Yes.

Poutine.

Double Feature + bath + pressure – Date #157 – December 31st

B: New Year’s Eve. A night that is often filled with the pressure for everything to be “just right.” The anticipation. The expectations. Luckily, A doesn’t seem to buy in to all that. We both approached NYE with a relaxed attitude and calmness – especially when we realized we wouldn’t be able to go to Ottawa to see my sister’s band Loon Choir play.

We started the day of relaxation off right, a double feature – the delightfully sentimental  and romantic Her followed by the melancholy and meditative Inside Llewyn Davis. But, after this, my own mind started to sabotage our entire evening.

We returned to A’s place and decided, because of the cold and our exhaustion from the holiday’s, to stay in. We had a very romantic bath, ordered pizza, and watched Mad Men. I suggested that at midnight we stare at each other like Marina Abramović

At 11:50, we both got a bit frantic about setting things up. A suggested that in the video we show a stream of the ball dropping in Times Square on the TV in the background and I agreed. While she got the camera set up I looked for a stream. I started to get upset because I couldn’t find a stream – which really meant I was upset because I felt like I was letting A down – and then I just went to lay on the bed because it all felt like too much. A continued to set things up, which I took for ignoring me, and then I totally lost my ability to communicate. Even when A asked, “what’s wrong with you?” I couldn’t answer.

A went for a walk somewhere and came back and we discussed it all. Let me tell you now, that it took me awhile to understand why I reacted this way. Sometimes I feel intense pressure, I know that I’m feeling this pressure, but I have no idea where it comes from or why. As you’ll read in our next date, I had a breakthrough about some of the things that cause me to breakdown.

A: I LOVED HER. GO SEE IT. It’s my favourite movie of 2013. And then Frances Ha. Watch that one next.

But yes. The moral of the story is ‘do not leave anything to the last second.’ Especially something as time sensitive as New Years Eve.

B wrote most of what happened. If you’d like to know where I went, find my journal after I die and turn to page 107. Make sure you have the right book.

The best part of the last day of 2013 was watching such a beautiful film with B and then taking a hot bath with this epic smelling orange bath bomb from Lush. I feel so comfortable around B, it almost feels silly. Or surreal. All my insecurities melt away and I don’t even care that my love handles poke out or that I have stained teeth or that my hair seems dry and unperfect or that I have crappy knees from a car accident in 2007. None of those things matter. Time just is when I’m with him and the world seems completely supportive.

When we were lying in the bath I was staring at the ceiling and we were just talking about life. I said, “I have to tell you something. This is probably going to end up in a movie that I write eventually.” He said, “That’s okay.” His being okay with the things that make me hesitant to share is nice. It’s really, really nice.

Finally caught up in Breaking Bad!!! – Date #64 – September 11, 2013

B: Wow, I just realized now (writing this post the day-after) that this date was 9/11. Shit, I can’t believe I missed that.

Anyways, things started off great with us planning to watch the last two episodes of Breaking Bad necessary to catch us up for the final three episodes of the series. We had a nice walk home, A cleaned some dishes for me and made kale chips, and we ate delicious croissants. (I need to stop buying so many grains). Then after the episodes things ended poorly. A and are such emotionally intense people that we need to work better on communicating those emotions or we may hurt the people closest to each other (us). 

I think we realized that last night (if we hadn’t already before). We talked a lot and made up in the morning. 

A: I know they say never to go to bed angry but I was so mad and I just wanted the world to let me sleep.  I don’t even want to write about it, which is a weird thing for me to say because I’d normally prefer this sort of communication.

I didn’t even remember that we finished episode 13 of Breaking Bad but according to this we did. Ha. Memory fail (what’s new???).

In other news, I’ve developed this strange idiosyncrasy since meeting B where I can’t help but notice how LARGE my head looks in picture with him, mostly cause he hides in the back making me look GIANT. He was teasing me in the pictures here but still. My head is big but like… I’m not the baby from Honey We Blew Up the Baby… At least… I don’t think I am… (I do act childish quite often… Oh… God…)