Tag: Awareness

We needed… space

Date #341 – Sunday, July 6, 2014

A: Brian and I were having internal dialogues with ourselves that completely clashed once the words came out. I drew this self-portrait on an app I found because I was looking for a distraction and wanted to seem busy. We don’t have other photos because it was one of those days. Do you take photos on those days?

I ended up leaving B and biking home crying. When I got home I paced a lot and cleaned my apartment until I decided to go to TURF anyway, even if I was going alone (Good idea because Jeff Tweedy is incredible and bad idea because Wilco songs make me cry a lot). I wanted to make things right with B but I’m learning that space is good, sometimes. In the beginning I would press and we would argue and nothing ever got solved until we had some space. Well we had some space. And it got solved. I am awful at remember the small details, but I knew I missed him very much while listening to Jeff Tweedy. I even sent him a song whose lyrics I cried to while standing in the crowd and I held my phone so tightly waiting for a response, hoping it was positive and loving. I felt like I was 15. I know we’re only on date #341, but I would be utterly heartbroken without B. It was an emotional day. 

B: I was so happy when I found out that A ended up going to see Wilco. We had one of those arguments where a bunch of stuff builds up and you can’t really say what you’re fighting about. After things and I was sitting on my bed feeling sad I thought, “I caused this and A shouldn’t miss Wilco because of that.” She didn’t and that was good.

One of the things I’ve learned is to focus on how you’re feeling and what you need. I realized in this moment that I needed my own space. I remember feeling like I was being pulled in a million different directions and completely overwhelmed. I’m not sure why but I know in those moments I have a tendency to take it out on the people closest to me and blame them for my feelings. NEVER blame others for your feelings. It will get you no where.

So A and I took some space and I started to accept that that was what we needed and I was totally afraid to admit that. I’m afraid sometimes that I will loose A and I’m afraid to be alone and so I hold on to things so tightly that they can sometimes reek havoc. 

What I learned is that A and I need to accept that sometimes we need time apart and that is OK. The big question is how we will get this “alone time” when we live together….

lindsaybottos:

some new stuff I’m working on, I get tons of anonymous messages like this every day and while this isn’t unique to women, the content of the messages and the frequency in which I get them are definitely related to my gender. I almost exclusively get them after I post selfies. The authority people feel they have to share their opinion on my appearance is something myself and many other girls online deal with daily. 

A: Anonymous comments that lack constructive criticism are a serious example of cyber-bullying. As you may have seen, we’ve received a couple comments like this so far. No matter how strong you are as a person, reading these words is hurtful and unnecessary and I think it’s important to address that the author is hiding behind anonymity, using an outlet like the creative use of Tumblr and self-expression to cope with an insecurity within themselves.

I don’t like this and I don’t take actions like this lightly. If you feel the need to say meaningless, purposefully rude, and hurtful things to another human being (or animal, even), especially while remaining anonymous, perhaps you should take a deep breath and reflect upon your actions, how they reflect upon yourself, and your place in this world. 

Creating a positive space inside and outside is the best way to use your power. And we are all so powerful.

B: You’ll notice this is our first re-blog on our site. We took a step out of the ordinary because that’s exactly what Lindsay did, and she did it in such a beautiful way. I am inspired by the strength of women like Lindsay, A, my sisters and so many others. 

I think it is sad that the negativity and insecurity displayed in these people’s comments still exists in the world. I don’t know why it happens, but it does and it will only slow down (or even, hopefully stop) if we reverse the cycle – if we take negatives and make them positives.