We needed… space

Date #341 – Sunday, July 6, 2014

A: Brian and I were having internal dialogues with ourselves that completely clashed once the words came out. I drew this self-portrait on an app I found because I was looking for a distraction and wanted to seem busy. We don’t have other photos because it was one of those days. Do you take photos on those days?

I ended up leaving B and biking home crying. When I got home I paced a lot and cleaned my apartment until I decided to go to TURF anyway, even if I was going alone (Good idea because Jeff Tweedy is incredible and bad idea because Wilco songs make me cry a lot). I wanted to make things right with B but I’m learning that space is good, sometimes. In the beginning I would press and we would argue and nothing ever got solved until we had some space. Well we had some space. And it got solved. I am awful at remember the small details, but I knew I missed him very much while listening to Jeff Tweedy. I even sent him a song whose lyrics I cried to while standing in the crowd and I held my phone so tightly waiting for a response, hoping it was positive and loving. I felt like I was 15. I know we’re only on date #341, but I would be utterly heartbroken without B. It was an emotional day. 

B: I was so happy when I found out that A ended up going to see Wilco. We had one of those arguments where a bunch of stuff builds up and you can’t really say what you’re fighting about. After things and I was sitting on my bed feeling sad I thought, “I caused this and A shouldn’t miss Wilco because of that.” She didn’t and that was good.

One of the things I’ve learned is to focus on how you’re feeling and what you need. I realized in this moment that I needed my own space. I remember feeling like I was being pulled in a million different directions and completely overwhelmed. I’m not sure why but I know in those moments I have a tendency to take it out on the people closest to me and blame them for my feelings. NEVER blame others for your feelings. It will get you no where.

So A and I took some space and I started to accept that that was what we needed and I was totally afraid to admit that. I’m afraid sometimes that I will loose A and I’m afraid to be alone and so I hold on to things so tightly that they can sometimes reek havoc. 

What I learned is that A and I need to accept that sometimes we need time apart and that is OK. The big question is how we will get this “alone time” when we live together….

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